I’ve never really had too much luck in the pet department…
PJ midget
What with tortoises as a child, expiring in hibernation due to something or other.. ( oh yes.. being left out in the mild, balmy british winter.. :-?).

Then there were rats,
which I became horribly allergic to, forcing me to give them to friends, colleagues, friendly men with big brush moustaches… Then there was Juanita,
my beautiful Brazilian Pygmy wife, that I ordered off the internet.
Not strictly a pet, I know, but I still miss her.
Sweet little plum of a thing, she was my world. Never understood a word she said in the whole of our wonderful year together – sort of guttural, grunting sounds and her eating habits were also a little strange, consisting of mainly earthworms and beetles. I thought she may have been a little retarded – the way her eyes constantly rolled in her head would be enough to put many potential suitors off, but I found it vaguely calming, reminding me of a tabledancer I’d once seen in marrakesh.

vasquez the royal pythonMy flatmate, however, has two snakes – a Royal Python and a Colombian Rainbow – and has successfully maintained them for a number of years. He has lots of other pets – mice, rats and gerbils usually – but, strangely, they do not seem to hang around for long.

CortezHe also thought it would be a wonderful thing if I shared his passion for ushering hapless creatures into an ingested afterlife and, as it was the season of goodwill and consumerism, off we went to Crystal Palace Pet Store to buy an animal that consumes other creatures for both its survival and my morbid, rubbernecking pleasure.

Half hour later saw us driving away with a gorgeous little Lepoard Gecko, Dave.

( oh..and about £200 worth of lights, tank and other random pet paraphernalia that was close to hand when the helpful salesman was deciding how much we would spend )
Informed that he would eat little mealworms (nasty wriggly bastards that would climb inside your bottom to lay their eggs soon as look at you), I bought some of the things, but he never touched them, leaving me quite expecting a dead Dave, but I picked up some crickets and he seems to love their crunchy goodness 😈

dave, the gecko

We may see a winner yet 😛